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  • Writer's pictureSpencer Posey

Let's Be Honest...

Updated: Dec 7, 2020

I know, “honest” is hard to be. Especially when that big, scary secret of your porn use is in the mix. After all, can’t that be something you work on and fix on your own? Isn’t porn use a more personal issue that no-one else needs to be involved with? Technically, yes, porn can be something that you stop on your own, and it can be a more personal issue that no-one else needs to be involved with.

However, before you get too comfortable with that answer, ask yourself, “What is my end goal?

If you are married, engaged, or are otherwise in a committed romantic relationship and are jumping through all the hoops to conceal your porn use, is your end goal to conceal vulnerable information from your significant other or is it to be fully known and accepted by them? If letting your spouse, fiance, or partner into this aspect of your life feels a bit scary I don’t blame you. As you well know, neither you, or I, or anyone else for that matter can guarantee your significant other will accept you in the way you might hope after that information is disclosed.

This leaves you with two options:

  1. Continue in the relationship never fully being known, and therefore never fully accepted by your partner.

  2. Risk the pain and discomfort of letting your partner into this vulnerable place in your life for the chance of being fully known and fully accepted by them.

If you are not in a committed relationship, is your end goal to carry this burden on your own, or is it to be surrounded by a community who supports you and who you can support in return?

Regardless of if you are single or in a committed relationship, concealing porn use ensures one thing - you are living a divided life. On the one hand you have a deep desire to be known, valued, and celebrated for who you are by those who are important to you in your life. On the other hand, you don’t really want to be known because if they knew about your porn use then certainly they would not value and celebrate you.

Now take note I am not advocating for you to disclose these vulnerable habits from the rooftops. You are right to be selective with who you let into these often painful and vulnerable parts of your life. These things should be shared with the right people in your life - those who you feel may have a right to know (maybe your partner), and those who you feel will stick with you and support you even though it may be shocking or painful for a time (maybe a good friend or a Pastor).

Mustering up the gusto to disclose your secret life of porn is no easy task, even if you are sharing it with the right people in your life. Maybe you are still wrestling with questions like, “Is porn even ‘bad’ for me?”, “Why should I stop looking at porn?”, or “Why is porn so addicting?”. I know I am giving an obvious plug for my services here, but I genuinely believe these are the types of issues that having the support of a professional can really make a difference.

To wrap up, let’s be honest - it’s one of the best things we can do to integrate a divided life and feel whole again. Don’t let porn continue to stop you from living the integrated, full life you prefer to live. If you need any support getting there, I am here to help.

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